i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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