just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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