I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
