tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
