i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
being pregnant is like rehab
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Randomize
