Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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