Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
you had me at cake vodka
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
