your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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