you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize