I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
