non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
i drank out of a bidet.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
