thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
