There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
