I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
