it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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