put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
