Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
