I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
