She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize