Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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