If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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