I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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