My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
