look no pants
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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