paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
