you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
It's official drugs can't kill me
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
