You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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