I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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