Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
