I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
