Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I have post one night stand depression
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