My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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