He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Princesses don't give blow jobs
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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