Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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