We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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