you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize
