I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
