sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
