So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
