I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
