were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize