I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
