did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
