I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
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