I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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