proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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