dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
