So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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