proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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