my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
