Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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