when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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