i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
