I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Randomize
