Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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