Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
