you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize