i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
