I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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